Our visit to Hawaii

It has been a month since our amazing trip to Hawaii. I figured it is probably time to write about it and share some pictures. We had an amazing 5 days on Maui. It was truly one of the most relaxing vacations I have ever been on.

This trip was the first time either of our boys had been on a airplane. I was so incredibly nervous about little man. He is very active. I was so concerned that he wasn't going to handle being in the seat for so long. I was also concerned about how him using the potty was going to go. But he did great. For the trip we got him a kids sized backpack. I filled that will tons of activities and snacks. In his bag he had his iPad and headphones, loaded with his favorite movies. He also had a coloring book, stickers, markers, a new Cars look and find book, toy cars and a new toy. He was so excited when he looked in his bag and could see all the fun activities I surprised him with. For squeaks I packed a few toys. An extra outfit. His favorite blanket and a nursing cover. He only fussed when he was hungry and even then was very short. Also any moms who travel with infants, I suggest baby wearing. It made it so much easier to get around the airport! Plus, if you wear them you don't have to take them off to get through security. They do have to swab your hand but it was so nice to not have to take him off!

 I promise squeaks was loving being in the carrier.

 How's that for a view? We pretty much lived out there.

Only a short walk to the beach. 

 So this was the lobby in our hotel. It was so amazing to walk into this. So beautiful. We actually spent a lot of time in the lobby because of how beautiful it was. It was so peaceful to just sit there and listen to the waterfall. Behind it was the pool.

 Getting our feet in the ocean for the first time!

 So our hotel had the best pools. They also had tubes for sale. So of course I got one for little man. It definitely came in handy.

 It rained for one whole day without let up while we were there. So it was a very lazy day on our balcony. But it was so amazing.

 Lots of virgin drinks were had. This is a lava flow so good!

 He loved building castles. He and Ben got really good at making them.

 He also became obsessed with the ocean.

 Our cute little family of 4. Love that we had Grandma and Grandpa with us.

 Day one we had an amazingly hard time getting him to play in the water. Day 4 we could not get this kid out of the water. He would have stayed all day if he could have. He had so much fun running in and out.

 If you are ever in Maui you absolutely have to go to Star Noodle. OH my goodness you will not be disappointed. It was so worth it.

 Making chairs in the sand. These guys of mine. They had a blast.

 Who said pool food has to be simple. Oh man this was so good. So at our hotel you could forgo maid service and get a $5 voucher to use on food. So you better believe we did that. By the last day we $15 in vouchers. So we used them by the pool. Those nachos, uh, so amazing. I would go back just for those.

 No trip would be complete without a family selfie.

 May not have loved using it in the pool. But he definitely loved using it as a seat in our room.

 Our hotel had strollers that you could use for free. Oh man so glad we found that out. It saved my back.

 We were able to sneak away for a lovely dinner. One perk to having grandma and grandpa with us. It was so nice to sneak away and be together. We got to go with the group of franchise owners who were there. It was so much fun to visit, sip a pina colada and enjoy some adult time.

 My little beach buddy.

 Mommy's bracelet made a great toy.

So in the amazing lobby of our hotel they had coy fish! Every morning at 9 you could go down and feed them. So you better believe we totally fed them everyday after we found that out. Little man had so much fun throwing in the food and watching them attack it.

Everyone has asked us what we did while we were there. In all honesty we didn't DO a whole lot. But we ATE a whole lot. I may not have a lot of fun tips on what to do. But I can tell you where you should eat. This trip was so needed. I am so glad we got so many pictures this isn't even half of them! Hope you enjoyed looking at them as much as I enjoyed looking back on them.


Be the best mommy you can be!

Why I choose to open up a shop.

I have been asked countless times in the past few months why I decided to open up my own mommy shop. I have never really had a great answer, but I think I have finally landed on it. Sure, I think a lot of people think it's for the extra money, but in all honesty, I would do it all for free if I was able to. 

I opened my shop because I love to sew. I am in no way the best. But over the past few months I have surprised myself with all that I have learned. I went from feeling in no way comfortable sewing anything without a pattern to making my own patterns and loving it. It has gotten to the point where if I see something I like my first thought is "How much would it cost if I made it?"

 I have loved learning so many new techniques like the correct way to use a seam ripper. I had no idea I have been using it wrong! But let me tell you I had. I have actually learned what all the dials and knobs on my machine mean. I have also learned that sewing machines are not easy to take apart (They are even harder to put back together)! I have learned to keep my fingers away from the foot and needle. Boy, does it hurt if you are not paying attention!

I have learned about fabric. Which blends work for which projects. I have learned how to price items for sale. I have learned the hard way that you can not please everyone. I have learned that sometimes you need to ask for help. I have learned that my husband does know a thing or two about sewing. Shout out to my awesome sister-in-laws and mother-in-law who helped him learn!

I have learned that you can seam rip, sew, feed elastic, cut fabric and pin while holding a fussy baby. I have learned that nursing while your little one is in a carrier is possible (necessary if you need to head to the fabric store). I have learned countless employees names. I have learned to put myself out there and do things that are out of my comfort zone. I have learned way too many employees' names at the fabric store. I have learned how to truly master using coupons to get the most bang for your buck. I have learned that sometimes less is more. I have learned that there can be hurt feelings when you open a shop. I have learned that not everyone has nice things to say, but that everyone is free to feel the way they feel. I have learned that every mom deserves to have a say in their baby items, to have a say in exactly which fabric and print is used. I have learned that helping another mama out is more payment then you will ever need. I have learned that there are moms out there who you may not know personally but who will become some of your biggest supporters. 

I have learned to ask the hard questions. I have learned that fabric will hide the tears you have shed on it. I have learned that the hum of the sewing machine will hide the sound of your sobs. I have learned that sometimes the best way to work through problems is to sit down and finish a project. 

So if you haven't guessed the real answer to that question I will tell you: The real reason I opened up a shop is to learn about myself. To grow. To become a better mother and a better person. I have already learned so many amazing lessons. I know that each experience I have had has taught me how to be a better person. I know that it has given me a reason to be excited. I know it has given me something that is all my own. I know it has helped me do the one thing that has always been my goal: Helping other moms. 

Be the best mommy you can be.

Squeaks is here!

It has been two month since we welcomed our little squeaks. This post is way over due. I have been meaning to write it for awhile. But never got around to it. Now as I sit here wide awake it's time. 

Beckett Darrell Phillips was born October 8 at 5:39 pm. He weighed in at 7 lbs 7 oz and 19 1/2 inches.

Since I was scheduled for a repeat csection. That day was full of nerves. I really relished in my last day of it just being me and LM. We did a lot of snuggling. When the time came to take him to grandmas I had a very hard time leaving. Because I knew it would no longer just be he and I. But I was so excited for the new adventure we were embarking on. 

I am so glad I got one last picture with him. I will forever cherish the look of excitement. He knew it was time to get a brother.

We arrived at the hospital an hour earlier then we were suppose to. Oops. I'll blame that on pregnancy brain. It gave us time for one last belly shot. Then time to calm my nerves. 

Once they took me back we had about two hours before my appointment time. This gave them time to get me dressed. Get my IV started. Then go over everything with me. My nerves really started to get to me and my blood pressure started to get really high. I started having contractions. Which really started to hurt. So it was a good thing I was at the hospital! They got my all hooked up and then it was just time to wait. They had the anesthesiologist come in and talk with me. I got even more nervous and had a very uncomfortable feeling. More on that later. Then we waited some more. It got to be 4:50 and I still had yet to see my doctor. Which made me nervous. They can't take you back to prep you till your doctor checks on you. But right on cue he walked through the door. I was instantly at peace. I would trust him no matter what was going on. He was an amazing doctor. He spoke with us and then told the nurse it was time.  

 

The hospital underwent a complete remodel since I had LM. So the walk was very quick to the OR. Once inside I was greeted by a rush of cold air. My nerves really started to kick in. This was the moment I had been dreading my whole pregnancy. The spinal. With LM it was quick. First attempt and he was done. This was not the case. After 14 attempts, yes you read that right, I was finally numb. Each attempt he would hit bone. I had amazing nurses who tried to help me through it. They held me as I cried in pain. Reassured me that it was going to be ok. Told me I was doing everything I was asked of. It just wasn't going right. After the sixth attempt my doctor left the room. A half hour after starting I was finally numb. 

This time was different from LM. I felt as if my legs were asleep. Not numb but asleep. Which made me start to panic. Ben was not in the room yet. It was just me and the staff. They put the blue divider up and this is where things went from bad to worse for me. I immediately started to have a panic attack. I have never had one this bad before. I began thrashing on the table. Yelling I was "done". I didn't want to do it. I changed my mind. Finally Ben was able to start to calm me down. But my body was not done. I started to feel like I was going to throw up. Let's just say my body won. Then squeaks was out and I was able to relax. Looking at him for the first time calmed me down enough to get to the end of the surgery. They wrapped him up and handed him to Ben. He looked so much like LM. I was so in love again. Once I was done and moved over to the transport they handed me squeaks. It was amazing to get to hold him so quickly. With LM it was almost two hours before I got to hold him. Squeaks never really left my side. Which is what I needed. 

Once we made it to recovery they told me I would get to do skin to skin. Squeaks had other ideas. He was ready to eat. While I'm recovery her ate on both sides. For almost the entire time. Only stopping when it was time for his bath. Which he hated! I think all babies do. But once he was all cleaned up he was ready for more. 

Then it was time to move me to my room. I swear because of the remodel it took forever. They had to keep using different elevators because there wasn't one in use that went to where my room was. Once in my room it was time to transfer to my bed. I had yet to try and move my legs because with LM it took forever to get feeling back. They asked if I could use my arms to transfer myself to my bed. I felt great, so I said " Of course!". Well to be sure one of the nurses asked if I could move my feet. She had rested her hand on my legs. My legs started to move, so in my mind I thought she moved them. I thought there was no way I could already be able to move. Well I did. She laughed and said " I guess you can." To which I responded " wait that was me? Oh yay!" I completely took her by surprise. I don't think she had ever seen anyone so happy that they moved their legs. We all ended up in a laughing fit. Once we were finished they helped as I moved myself onto my bed. Got me cleaned up and settled. I started to have really bad hot flashes so they had to put cold towels on me to cool me down. Once my nurse felt comfortable that I was ok, LM and my parents were allowed back. 

LM was so excited to see his brother that my parents got to the hospital sooner then expected. But that gave them time to talk with him about everything he was going to see. When the nurse gave the ok they headed up. I heard a knock at the door and LM entered. He instantly looked so big compared to the tiny newborn I was holding. He was so happy to see that I was ok. He then got to see his brother for the first time. He was very unsure, but not scared. Just uncertain. Cue his big brother gift. Before I had squeaks, LM began to really get into super heroes. So I decided to get him a cape. I'm preparation for getting a new brother I told him how he would have to be a super hero and help mommy with brother. So getting the cape just made it all real. He loved running around the room with it on. Then he gently climbed into bed with me so he could hold brother. He was very unsure. He was so gentle. We were able to get a few photos and then he was done. My parents held squeaks and then left. 

Squeaks got his nickname the first night. He would make these adorable little squeaks each time he would stretch. So his nickname was an easy one to come by. My hospital stay was pretty smooth. I was there the full length of time I could be after a c section. I made sure to get a milkshake with almost every meal. Superior dairy ice cream! They were so good. Ben was able to stay with me the entire time. Which was so helpful when I needed to get out of bed. We were able to watch a lot of movies together and just enjoy our little squeaks. LM came to visit at least two times a day. At least once a day he would go walk the halls with just Ben and I. My parents would hold squeaks. I personally thunk that made the transition so much easier for LM. Because from the beginning we made time for just him. We had so many loved ones visit which was nice. Because this time I wanted to talk to people. I so wanted to be social. 

I am so grateful that everything turned out like it did. I am so in love with my squeaks. My heart feels whole with him in my life. Our family feels complete. We all enjoy having him around so much. LM is completely in love with his brother. We are extremely happy.

Be the best mommy you can be.

Little mans 3rd birthday!

A few weeks ago my sweet boy turned 3. So of course it was time for a party. He has been very into Legos. Especially since the Lego movie came out. So we decided on a Lego party. We ran into one slight problem. Even with the huge success of the Lego movie there were no decorations to be found anywhere. So that meant in order to give my LM a Lego party I had to make all of the decorations. Now being almost 34 weeks pregnant I knew I was going not going to be able to do a lot. So we ordered an amazing cake from For Goodness Cakes. Find her on Facebook the cake turned out amazingly. 

Seriously so cute. It was delicious. Plus we had just enough for everyone with just a few extra pieces. 

I made these adorable bean bags. I grabbed 3 pieces of felt in each of the colors. I cut the felt in half width wise. Then I cut those pieces in half. I was able to get 4 bags out of 2 pieces of felt. The 3rd piece I used for the circles. I hot glued the circles on. Then grabbed my sewing machine and stitched up 3 of the sides. Stuffed them with beans and then sewed up the finally size. They were so easy. Then we took boxes and cut holes and covered them in tissue paper. LM had fun throwing the bags in. 

For the food we did and create your own sandwich station. I used the big blocks to make holders for the plates,napkins, and cups. Then we used one of the boxes for the bean bag game to hold cups full of the silver ware. It was such a fun touch.

I made this adorable banner. I used construction paper and a circle punch. I again just cut the paper in half width wise. LM helped me punch out all the circles. I used foam tape to kind of help the circles pop of the paper. It was so fun to do this with my LM.

Finally getting to sing to him. He thought his cake was amazing. He was ready to eat it before the party started. 

 

I love you my LM. It has been amazing to watch you grow. I can't not wait to see you become a brother in just a matter of weeks. You will always be one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Be the best mommy you can be.

Preparations / family pictures.

A few weeks ago we were able to have some maternity pictures done. It was so much fun because we had LM with us this time. It was so nice to get some pictures of the 3 of us before we add another little dude to our family. We have grown so much as a family in the past few months. LM is settling into his role as a big helper very well. He is getting so big I can not believe it. 

The past few weeks I have had a lot of time to reflect about the changes that will shortly be taking place. Mostly because I am so big I am having a hard time moving around. I have reached the stage where I literally have to roll myself out of bed. My love has to help me out of seated positions and sometimes even the car. This stage just means that I am so close to the end. Which means soon this little dude will be snuggling up in my arms. We have just a couple weeks before his arrival. I am so excited.

I think the thing I am most excited about is watching LM with his new brother. He is already so in love with his brother. He asks about him at least once a day. He is so ready to have him here. He loves going to the doctors with me. He calls him baby doctor. He gets so excited when I tell him it's time to go. He literally asks evey couple days to go. When he hears brothers heartbeat he gets so excited. His face absolutely lights up. 

He has been in major get ready mode. He watched a Daniel tiger episode where they got all the baby stuff ready. He wanted to do everything Daniel did. So we officially have the crib put together. We have the bedding on. All brothers clothes are washed and put away. Brothers car seat is all ready. His bassinet is set up in mommy's room. He is ready. He helped with each step and is so proud of himself for all he did. 

Each time we have done something I make sure to explain to him that he once used these things but now he is the big brother. Which has really helped in getting him ready. I'm hoping I am preparing him to not be overly jealous when brother gets here. I have made sure each day to take time to do something special with just him. Even though I may be tired, and uncomfortable I make time for him. I am hoping that because I have been doing this he will understand when brother gets here that there will be times for just him. There will also be times when I need to take care of brother. I have been talking with him about how things will change. I know that it is not going to be smooth sailing. But I am hoping that I can help prepare him just a little bit.

I am so in love with my husband. I have to take a moment to talk about him. He has been amazing. I am so excited to see him with little guy. He is already smitten. 

I am so thankful for both of them. They are my life. My world. My happiness. I can not wait to be surrounded by boys. I will be so loved and protected. I have been blessed to receive two boys. I am tasked with raising incredible men. Incredible priesthood holders. I honestly can not wait.

Who is ready for little guys name reveal??

When I got pregnant we instantly settled on a girl name. But could not settle on a boy name. There were tons I loved there were tons my love loved. But for me I would like something for like a week and then not like it anymore. Finally at 14 weeks I found a name that I absolutely fell in love with. My love has not faded for it. Hearing LM say it to my tummy has just cemented the fact that it is the right name. It fits our family. 

So his name is.......

We can not wait till October to meet him. We are counting down the weeks. We are preparing everyday. We are all ready.

Be the best mommy you can be.

Can I be honest?

* Disclamer: This post is extremely honest. If you do not want to read about my fears please skip this post.  

Tonight my mind is racing. There are so many exciting things that are happening shortly. 

First: My sweet little man (LM) is going to be turning 3. When did he get so big? When did he stop being my sweet little baby? Will he still love to cuddle with me on the couch in the morning? Or will those soon be distant memories? I can't believe it has been 3 years since he was born. He has turned into such a little man. With his likes and dislikes that he is not afraid to share. He has such a sweet personality. 

Second: My little brother is getting married. Thats right married. It is mind blowing that he is old enough. It has been amazing to see him grow. He has found himself a good one. She is such a sweetheart and I look forward to many more years together with her. Marriage is a big step and I am so proud of my little brother. I can not wait to see them all in white.

Third: In all honesty probably the biggest. Baby boy will be here. Am I really in single digits? I have 8 weeks until his due date. But since he will be delivered c-section that number is smaller. Which makes me even more nervous. Shortly we will no longer be a family of 3. But a family of 4. 

Can I be completely honest? That last one is the one that has me up at night. Not only because this one is determined to break a rib. But because I am TERRIFIED! Absolutely terrified. I know we prayed about it and that it is the right time. But I am so worried I am going to fail at being a mother to 2 boys. I know I have made it this far with LM and he has turned out amazing. But can I really be a mom to 2? Do I have what it takes to have a newborn and a toddler? 

Am I going to fail? Am I already failing? 

This pregnancy has taken literally everything out of me. It is all I can do at times to make LM breakfast and lunch before having to lay down. I am always exhausted and totally grouchy at moments I wish I wasn't. I honestly feel like I have already failed him as a mom. Because I have lost my temper over silly things more times then I wish to admit. I was never like this before. Is it because he is at a difficult age? Or is it because I really am not meant to be a great mom to 2 kids? Sure down the road I may look at this post and wonder how I ever thought that. But I am so worried. I love my LM more than anything. I love this little dude more than anything. But I feel as though I have already let them both down. That I have lost some part of the bond LM and I have shared because I have been so hormonal and lost my temper. 

I am so scared. In a way it feels better to get it all out on my blog. Because then it is not just living in my head. But how do I shake this fear? I always start the day feeling that it is going to be better but most times it ends with me feeling the same way. Like I am failing at least one of the 3 boys I love so much. One of them is not even here yet and I feel that way. I don't expect everything to be better over night. I want so desperately to be an amazing mom of 2. 

Am I just hormonal and worried over nothing? In all honesty that is probably what it is. But how do I forget the tears I have caused for no good reason. I am so worried that when this little dude gets here my sweet LM will no longer want me. I love him so much and the past couple of weeks have not been the best. 

I want my boys to have the best relationship they can. Does LM already resent him because of how I have been acting? Is he going to feel like he isn't important anymore once this little dude comes? Is LM really ready for all this? Will he still love me once little dude gets here?

I have been so worried this entire pregnancy that LM would feel less important once little dude got here. So I have been trying to help him see how great he is. That he is an amazing helper. How big he is. How proud of him I am. We have shared some amazing moments over the past couple months. But is all that diminished by the times I have lost my temper. Sure I always go back and make sure I apologize. Because it is not his fault that I have lost my temper. Sometimes I have over reacted. It is not everyday but it has happened enough that it makes me worry. 

I have always wanted to be a mom. Ever since I can remember I would play house. There always had to be babies. I have wanted this since I was little. Am I living up to what my LM needs? Am I doing enough?

I know this will be over shortly but how do I get over the guilt I feel? Do other moms feel like this or is it just me? 

This is the most honest I have ever been on this blog. I hope I do not sound terrible. But this is a huge life change. I needed to get it out. Because maybe I am the only mom who feels this way. Or maybe just maybe another mom has felt this way and can give me words of advice and comfort. Or maybe just maybe a mom may be feeling the same way and this may help her feel like she isn't alone. I don't know the reason but I know I was suppose to write this post. I always feel lead to write about the things that are important to either me or someone else. 

Please remember I am trying my best. Remember I am just human. All things I think I needed to read for myself. Even if I had to share some tough feelings.

Im trying to be the best mommy I can be.