Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Preparations / family pictures.

A few weeks ago we were able to have some maternity pictures done. It was so much fun because we had LM with us this time. It was so nice to get some pictures of the 3 of us before we add another little dude to our family. We have grown so much as a family in the past few months. LM is settling into his role as a big helper very well. He is getting so big I can not believe it. 

The past few weeks I have had a lot of time to reflect about the changes that will shortly be taking place. Mostly because I am so big I am having a hard time moving around. I have reached the stage where I literally have to roll myself out of bed. My love has to help me out of seated positions and sometimes even the car. This stage just means that I am so close to the end. Which means soon this little dude will be snuggling up in my arms. We have just a couple weeks before his arrival. I am so excited.

I think the thing I am most excited about is watching LM with his new brother. He is already so in love with his brother. He asks about him at least once a day. He is so ready to have him here. He loves going to the doctors with me. He calls him baby doctor. He gets so excited when I tell him it's time to go. He literally asks evey couple days to go. When he hears brothers heartbeat he gets so excited. His face absolutely lights up. 

He has been in major get ready mode. He watched a Daniel tiger episode where they got all the baby stuff ready. He wanted to do everything Daniel did. So we officially have the crib put together. We have the bedding on. All brothers clothes are washed and put away. Brothers car seat is all ready. His bassinet is set up in mommy's room. He is ready. He helped with each step and is so proud of himself for all he did. 

Each time we have done something I make sure to explain to him that he once used these things but now he is the big brother. Which has really helped in getting him ready. I'm hoping I am preparing him to not be overly jealous when brother gets here. I have made sure each day to take time to do something special with just him. Even though I may be tired, and uncomfortable I make time for him. I am hoping that because I have been doing this he will understand when brother gets here that there will be times for just him. There will also be times when I need to take care of brother. I have been talking with him about how things will change. I know that it is not going to be smooth sailing. But I am hoping that I can help prepare him just a little bit.

I am so in love with my husband. I have to take a moment to talk about him. He has been amazing. I am so excited to see him with little guy. He is already smitten. 

I am so thankful for both of them. They are my life. My world. My happiness. I can not wait to be surrounded by boys. I will be so loved and protected. I have been blessed to receive two boys. I am tasked with raising incredible men. Incredible priesthood holders. I honestly can not wait.

Who is ready for little guys name reveal??

When I got pregnant we instantly settled on a girl name. But could not settle on a boy name. There were tons I loved there were tons my love loved. But for me I would like something for like a week and then not like it anymore. Finally at 14 weeks I found a name that I absolutely fell in love with. My love has not faded for it. Hearing LM say it to my tummy has just cemented the fact that it is the right name. It fits our family. 

So his name is.......

We can not wait till October to meet him. We are counting down the weeks. We are preparing everyday. We are all ready.

Be the best mommy you can be.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Can I be honest?

* Disclamer: This post is extremely honest. If you do not want to read about my fears please skip this post.  

Tonight my mind is racing. There are so many exciting things that are happening shortly. 

First: My sweet little man (LM) is going to be turning 3. When did he get so big? When did he stop being my sweet little baby? Will he still love to cuddle with me on the couch in the morning? Or will those soon be distant memories? I can't believe it has been 3 years since he was born. He has turned into such a little man. With his likes and dislikes that he is not afraid to share. He has such a sweet personality. 

Second: My little brother is getting married. Thats right married. It is mind blowing that he is old enough. It has been amazing to see him grow. He has found himself a good one. She is such a sweetheart and I look forward to many more years together with her. Marriage is a big step and I am so proud of my little brother. I can not wait to see them all in white.

Third: In all honesty probably the biggest. Baby boy will be here. Am I really in single digits? I have 8 weeks until his due date. But since he will be delivered c-section that number is smaller. Which makes me even more nervous. Shortly we will no longer be a family of 3. But a family of 4. 

Can I be completely honest? That last one is the one that has me up at night. Not only because this one is determined to break a rib. But because I am TERRIFIED! Absolutely terrified. I know we prayed about it and that it is the right time. But I am so worried I am going to fail at being a mother to 2 boys. I know I have made it this far with LM and he has turned out amazing. But can I really be a mom to 2? Do I have what it takes to have a newborn and a toddler? 

Am I going to fail? Am I already failing? 

This pregnancy has taken literally everything out of me. It is all I can do at times to make LM breakfast and lunch before having to lay down. I am always exhausted and totally grouchy at moments I wish I wasn't. I honestly feel like I have already failed him as a mom. Because I have lost my temper over silly things more times then I wish to admit. I was never like this before. Is it because he is at a difficult age? Or is it because I really am not meant to be a great mom to 2 kids? Sure down the road I may look at this post and wonder how I ever thought that. But I am so worried. I love my LM more than anything. I love this little dude more than anything. But I feel as though I have already let them both down. That I have lost some part of the bond LM and I have shared because I have been so hormonal and lost my temper. 

I am so scared. In a way it feels better to get it all out on my blog. Because then it is not just living in my head. But how do I shake this fear? I always start the day feeling that it is going to be better but most times it ends with me feeling the same way. Like I am failing at least one of the 3 boys I love so much. One of them is not even here yet and I feel that way. I don't expect everything to be better over night. I want so desperately to be an amazing mom of 2. 

Am I just hormonal and worried over nothing? In all honesty that is probably what it is. But how do I forget the tears I have caused for no good reason. I am so worried that when this little dude gets here my sweet LM will no longer want me. I love him so much and the past couple of weeks have not been the best. 

I want my boys to have the best relationship they can. Does LM already resent him because of how I have been acting? Is he going to feel like he isn't important anymore once this little dude comes? Is LM really ready for all this? Will he still love me once little dude gets here?

I have been so worried this entire pregnancy that LM would feel less important once little dude got here. So I have been trying to help him see how great he is. That he is an amazing helper. How big he is. How proud of him I am. We have shared some amazing moments over the past couple months. But is all that diminished by the times I have lost my temper. Sure I always go back and make sure I apologize. Because it is not his fault that I have lost my temper. Sometimes I have over reacted. It is not everyday but it has happened enough that it makes me worry. 

I have always wanted to be a mom. Ever since I can remember I would play house. There always had to be babies. I have wanted this since I was little. Am I living up to what my LM needs? Am I doing enough?

I know this will be over shortly but how do I get over the guilt I feel? Do other moms feel like this or is it just me? 

This is the most honest I have ever been on this blog. I hope I do not sound terrible. But this is a huge life change. I needed to get it out. Because maybe I am the only mom who feels this way. Or maybe just maybe another mom has felt this way and can give me words of advice and comfort. Or maybe just maybe a mom may be feeling the same way and this may help her feel like she isn't alone. I don't know the reason but I know I was suppose to write this post. I always feel lead to write about the things that are important to either me or someone else. 

Please remember I am trying my best. Remember I am just human. All things I think I needed to read for myself. Even if I had to share some tough feelings.

Im trying to be the best mommy I can be.