Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Can I be honest?

* Disclamer: This post is extremely honest. If you do not want to read about my fears please skip this post.  

Tonight my mind is racing. There are so many exciting things that are happening shortly. 

First: My sweet little man (LM) is going to be turning 3. When did he get so big? When did he stop being my sweet little baby? Will he still love to cuddle with me on the couch in the morning? Or will those soon be distant memories? I can't believe it has been 3 years since he was born. He has turned into such a little man. With his likes and dislikes that he is not afraid to share. He has such a sweet personality. 

Second: My little brother is getting married. Thats right married. It is mind blowing that he is old enough. It has been amazing to see him grow. He has found himself a good one. She is such a sweetheart and I look forward to many more years together with her. Marriage is a big step and I am so proud of my little brother. I can not wait to see them all in white.

Third: In all honesty probably the biggest. Baby boy will be here. Am I really in single digits? I have 8 weeks until his due date. But since he will be delivered c-section that number is smaller. Which makes me even more nervous. Shortly we will no longer be a family of 3. But a family of 4. 

Can I be completely honest? That last one is the one that has me up at night. Not only because this one is determined to break a rib. But because I am TERRIFIED! Absolutely terrified. I know we prayed about it and that it is the right time. But I am so worried I am going to fail at being a mother to 2 boys. I know I have made it this far with LM and he has turned out amazing. But can I really be a mom to 2? Do I have what it takes to have a newborn and a toddler? 

Am I going to fail? Am I already failing? 

This pregnancy has taken literally everything out of me. It is all I can do at times to make LM breakfast and lunch before having to lay down. I am always exhausted and totally grouchy at moments I wish I wasn't. I honestly feel like I have already failed him as a mom. Because I have lost my temper over silly things more times then I wish to admit. I was never like this before. Is it because he is at a difficult age? Or is it because I really am not meant to be a great mom to 2 kids? Sure down the road I may look at this post and wonder how I ever thought that. But I am so worried. I love my LM more than anything. I love this little dude more than anything. But I feel as though I have already let them both down. That I have lost some part of the bond LM and I have shared because I have been so hormonal and lost my temper. 

I am so scared. In a way it feels better to get it all out on my blog. Because then it is not just living in my head. But how do I shake this fear? I always start the day feeling that it is going to be better but most times it ends with me feeling the same way. Like I am failing at least one of the 3 boys I love so much. One of them is not even here yet and I feel that way. I don't expect everything to be better over night. I want so desperately to be an amazing mom of 2. 

Am I just hormonal and worried over nothing? In all honesty that is probably what it is. But how do I forget the tears I have caused for no good reason. I am so worried that when this little dude gets here my sweet LM will no longer want me. I love him so much and the past couple of weeks have not been the best. 

I want my boys to have the best relationship they can. Does LM already resent him because of how I have been acting? Is he going to feel like he isn't important anymore once this little dude comes? Is LM really ready for all this? Will he still love me once little dude gets here?

I have been so worried this entire pregnancy that LM would feel less important once little dude got here. So I have been trying to help him see how great he is. That he is an amazing helper. How big he is. How proud of him I am. We have shared some amazing moments over the past couple months. But is all that diminished by the times I have lost my temper. Sure I always go back and make sure I apologize. Because it is not his fault that I have lost my temper. Sometimes I have over reacted. It is not everyday but it has happened enough that it makes me worry. 

I have always wanted to be a mom. Ever since I can remember I would play house. There always had to be babies. I have wanted this since I was little. Am I living up to what my LM needs? Am I doing enough?

I know this will be over shortly but how do I get over the guilt I feel? Do other moms feel like this or is it just me? 

This is the most honest I have ever been on this blog. I hope I do not sound terrible. But this is a huge life change. I needed to get it out. Because maybe I am the only mom who feels this way. Or maybe just maybe another mom has felt this way and can give me words of advice and comfort. Or maybe just maybe a mom may be feeling the same way and this may help her feel like she isn't alone. I don't know the reason but I know I was suppose to write this post. I always feel lead to write about the things that are important to either me or someone else. 

Please remember I am trying my best. Remember I am just human. All things I think I needed to read for myself. Even if I had to share some tough feelings.

Im trying to be the best mommy I can be.


  1. I feel ya! "Mean mommy" comes out when hormonal, exhausted, and filled with anxiety! It's totally normal.

  2. And it's good to vent about it too. I often feel guilty for losing my temper. Sounds to me like you have some very normal feelings going on. I'm literally thinking and feeling all those things, too! Hang in there!

  3. Jessica! You are an amazing mother! Do not ever doubt your ability. God gives us what we know we can handle and you can handle a toddler and a newborn. You are young, you have a terrific support system and you WILL DO GREAT!!!
    You are the best mommy that Hunter loves and will do anything for. And the new Little Man will feel the same!!